Refelections on my past

As we head bounding forward into this new year of 2006, i have found myself coming to a crashing face-to-face awareness of the life I've lived and really not been too thrilled with it. It's time for a change. I've spent the better part of my years living either in fear of my emotions and therefore have kept them behind walls so thick that they could have spared Nagasaki. Now I sit with a floodgate of emotions that I am not used to experiencing (let alone with this velocity and ferocity): anxiety, fear, overwhelming love... they all occupy a heart that had been so protected, but from what? all of my worst fears are realities of my own making and I need to come to terms with that in order to not fall prey to it again. So I sit. I sit with my emotions overpowering me at times, knowing that this is the only way. Realizing that while I may have idealized the notion of the Bene Geserit Litany I've never lived it.

"Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where it has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." - Bene Gesserit Litany

Rather than taking the hard and unpleasant road, I have historicall chosen the "easier" one. I put that in quotes, because while it misleadingly seems easier at the time, it most certainly is not when all the cards are dealt. It is a hard lesson to learn, and one I wish I had come to terms with much earlier in life, but how's that pesky catchphrase go "it's better late than never"!?!

I find it particularly poignant that I am coming to this cross-roads now as I prepare to venture across the country on a move that has no enddate in sight and has no safety nets. It is unbelievably liberating and scary as hell and is perfect timing (if you can have perfect timing for these types of things). I need to step forward fears still present, but not being allowed to dominate how I live my life. THIS IS MY LIFE AND I WANT TO LIVE IT AND BE HAPPY!